♥ strength♥
Monday, July 08, 2013 ♥21:52
A midst a crowd filled with humans trying to squeezed through to get to places, he reached out his hands searching for mine. I reached back out to grab his hand, as he gave it a little squeeze and lead me out of the suffocating crowd. There you have it. Someone who is proud of me.
I'm messed up, full of scars, broken and always fighting back those tears. But when he looked at me, for that moment, i felt like I'm almost perfect once again. and with a simple smile and a kiss on the forehead, he fixed me back again.
He still choose to look through those flaws as he wipe my tears away with an aching heart. I cry for every possible reason when I've held on for too long. My mind forever going in circles always around my insecurities, my past, th people in my life who come and go and the impossible what-ifs. He'll still show me off to the world, that I'm his girl and thats that.
I see my girlfriends being proud of their boyfriend serving th National Service, having to witness their Passing out parade, that swelling pride they have in them as they watch their men march into th parade. I never had a chance to witness my man in that green army uniform.
Or even, when he receives his diploma. I did not get to see his graduation. I've never had a chance to have that pride in me that swells as i watch my man walked up that stage as he graduate.
I met him later in his life; where th highlights of his youth that once shone th brightest slowly dimming out.
But nothing is ever going to stop me from being proud from th fact I am his. The reason behind that smile on his face as he reads my cheesy text messages. Or the reason he gets all tingly and excited when we're going out on a date after not seeing each other for days. Or the reason behind his happiness. Or the person who he'll think of th first thing in the morning and th last person he hears before his sleep.
I'm proud being his girlfriend.
That shy but perfectly epic funny boy. That boy who's always in his own world but is th most lovely boyfriend and girl could ever ask for. The boy who always gives his honest opinions but compliments you when you're at your best.
He's mine.
Still, it's amazing how even in my dreams he's always so close to me, wiping away my tears, stroking my hair comforting me and hugging me ever so tightly as i cry my nights away.
And I'm proud to have him.
♥ stay. ♥
Sunday, June 23, 2013 ♥21:37
"I'm sorry," she whispered as I rushed into her small warm-litted bedroom. The crisp and feminine scent tingled within the air around me as the line of candles burn bright. I've never found out what the scent was, it was her favourite nevertheless.
In the quietest of the night, she wept at th corner nearest to her window. Even the moon could not comfort her tonight.
She did not look up as i crept closer to her. She hid her left arm under her night robe, as she wrapped those arms around her thin waist.
I caught a glimpse of crimson and I knew what she just did. I died a little inside, dissapointed and guilt tightened their grip around my sanity. But I loved her too much to resent her actions.
But if she could have thought before she reached out for that small razor. If she had thought for a second as that weapon cuts her skin deep, she's threading a thin line between life and death. If she knows how much i wished the scars would go away every time i kissed them. I know, more than anyone, it wasn't the physical pain that could kill her, its the demons in her head that drives her crazy every night.
It's those memories that haunts her every breath.
I gathered her in my arms, placing comforting kisses on her forehead, stroking her hair and wiping tears from her tear-stained cheeks. She surrenders herself to her sorrow as she heals her heart once more in my salvation.
"I'm sorry," was all she could say. I hushed her. I don't need her sorry's because of what the world outside did to her. I just need her to get stronger when the sun starts to rise and the scars stopped bleeding and when her tears no longer flow.
When the sun rise and I'm no longer next to her. I just need her to be strong.
She's calling out my name, over and over again as she clutched the thin fabric where her broken heart is beating.
♥ you.♥
Saturday, June 22, 2013 ♥00:47
He's one hell of a crazy and perfect boyfriend. I am fully aware that putting those two adjectives doesnt really make sense. But honestly, that describes my boyfriend absolutely.
my new job, despite it being something that in passionate about- i even have a diploma to prove it, its not entirely rainbows and butterflies all th time. i work close to ten hours everyday for six days and unless theres public holiday, i only have sundays to rest.
in other words, my time with him is really limited since i had a new job. because every other day, i'd be too tired to meet or i'd rather just go home and rest straight after work. i think i said this before, but i'm going to say it again.
remember when me and him used to work th same job and we'd try to fit our shifts together and spend every living moment together. yeah. we took real huge advantage of that.
we made it a point to at least meet during th weekends if we could.
so last sunday, as we were in each other's comfortable company sharing a really comfortable silence, i let my thoughts roam around. and before i know it. i let go of everything that i had held in inside me and cry it all out.
that weak sight of me is rare. breaking down infront of people. trust. because i had really trust that person to not break me further when im already that vulnerable.
He wiped away the tears that traced my cheeks before asking me "Why?"
Right then, I don't know where to start.
Why was i crying?
Was it because th day is coming to an end and th fact that its going to take us another week before we get to meet each other again.
Or was it because of th guilt i felt in me. That whenever we meet, we could never have a proper date like any other couples do. Going for picnics in the morning or exploring places of interests, spend a day at th zoo and stuff we could do an entire day. Our dates usually start in th evening, that is if i knocked off work early and then we would go window shopping and have dinner before heading home. That is after i whined about being tired ans start throwing my childish tantrums at th poor boy.
Because it's a Sunday. and i despite how it was my off day, my hours minutes and seconds are counted. Every hour passes by too fast and th next thing i know, I'm back at work.
Because I was sorry, that his Sundays are wasted on me every time. When he could have spend some time catching up with his family and friends. Instead, i took away that freedom and dragged him to spend an entre day lazing around on my couch with my family. Watching movie marathons week after week or spending hours in th kitchen cooking something.
Because I miss all th normal dates we used to have. Whatever happens to going to Sentosa, talking long walk at Botanical Gardens, watching a movie in th afternoon, a simple lunch date then an entire day at town. I miss doing things in broad daylight. Not when th stores are closing.
But, what if i was crying for something else.
If i were to start that list, it will never end. I swear.
So I told him. And like the good crying shoulder he was, he listened. All th time, stroking my hair, and wiping away my tears that dont seemed to stop. It felt so good. Not like th weight lift up my shoulders good but th uneasy feeling i felt in me was dissapearing.
You wna guess what he told me in the end?
He said, "As long as I'm with you, I'm already more than happy."
How can he be so perfect.
♥ writer's block.
Monday, June 03, 2013 ♥22:06
ALMOST PERFECT.
She was the best thing that had ever happen in my life. It has always been me, myself and I. Nobody else. People find it easier to enter my life with hope but left in despair. They find it easier leaving rather than staying to pick up the pieces of the broken protagonist.
But she was different and I didn't know it. Then, I thought she'd be like the many other passerby that strolled passed; filled with false pretense and pride.
She shine the brightest in a place full of humans and bloomed the prettiest when no one's around but the two of us. Where do i start, telling you how amazing this girl is?
We chased our demons away in the witching hour; she held my hands ever so tightly as we ran towards oblivion. She'd traced her fingers along my jawline as we catch our breath, brought her lips too close to my ears and whispered, "I'll never let you go." She always knew the right words to say at the perfect time. She's a mind reader.
She have this habit of staring right into my eyes like they tell a story of their own- my stories. She'd then blink twice, look down and smile. I'd asked her why whenever she did that. But all she'd let out was, "It's intriguing." She's full of mysteries.
Nights where my thoughts consumed the best of me as I lay in the dark juggling between life and death. Nights where she seemed too far away from me and when I thought I messed up and lose her, my phone will always ring. It was her voice at the other end of the line and right there I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders slowly, dissolving into the midst of the night. "I'm thinking of you, tonight." She's my guardian angel.
My days were dull and if they were a pack of colour pencils, they'd all be between white black and grey. I don't have places to go and in my room is all you'll always find me. Hiding behind the door windows shut and curtains close letting the music swallow me whole. Then came a tap on my window. I'll drag my feet with reluctance towards the window to see her, with that contagious smile on her face shouting at me, "Hey, let's go somewhere!" She's my escape.
Her smile, you should see her smile. She had no dimples, nor the best set of teeth like other girls. But when she flips her hair, looked up to me and smile, there's more to life to live for. And so, I lived for her.
Did you ever hear her laughter? When she laughs, she could made them hummingbird sing the sweetest melody. It gave me tingles down to my toes. I like that feeling, having butterflies in the pit of my stomach as she giggled while tucking her hair behind her ears.
She is my world and nothing else matters. She was the center of my attention and after she came into my life, there's so much more in life and death wasn't the only way out. She picked up the broken pieces and love the vulnerable protagonist as I am, like I'm her masterpiece. She mend me and chased out my demons. She taught me how to love, without expecting anything back. She taught me how happiness should be shared and I love her to death.
She knows so much about me and i know nothing about her. That as she fix me every time, she's much more broken herself and all she ever wanted was to be saved. But I was oblivious as all I ever cared was how she made me complete. I'm selfish, selfish for her life and love. But I take no notice to the scars on her arms and the tears that had traced down her cheeks.
Oblivious that every night she called me, all she ever wanted was for me to hear her out. Every time she brought me to places, all she ever wanted was to stay in our little world and never return to the real one. Every time she looked into my eyes, she was searching for an answer, how to escape the misery she felt. Every time she traced her fingers down my jaw line and every time she held my hand, all she ever wanted was for me to hold on to her and never let go.
How can i not know?
She's so perfect to me,I see pass her scars. And more than anything, I'd love to rewind and fall in love with her all over again.
But this time.
I'll be her everything.
♥ all over again
Tuesday, May 21, 2013 ♥23:35
being with a guy who is a few years ahead of me, and has experienced more things than me who is merely taking baby steps into the real world, had me facing stuff i'd never thought i'd encounter.
let's just say, i had to pick up the pieces, mend them and after than accept th fact that he was once broken and yet, i still fall in love with him. if anything i would say, it was never a burden.
it's like a stepping stone, a learning journey, taking another step to get to know him better. but though it used to be so painful, i might have gotten over it, or accepted it.
and yes, i'm referring to the girls who was in his life before me. there were a few, who had captured his heart, whom he once loved. they were the ones who had him smitten, and taught him love. the ones who had once love him, accepted him and brought happiness like i did. the ones who had made him laugh, seen him cry. whom he spend his nights missing, whose hands he once held, whose lips he once kissed.
there was a time, when we got really honest with each other. revealing each of our past relationships. well, i only had one, so yeah. he had a few. and i cant help but compare myself to those girls. they were prettier, skinnier and probably muchmuch better than me. i spend nights comparing myself to them, convinced myself that no matter how much i tried, i can never leave that much impression on his life as the other girls before me. at times, i wished i was them.
those times, every single time he brought up something from his past relationship, i tears me up inside a little. like how they would do these things together or what they could afford to do for him and things they'd sacrifice. then theres me. me. who had nothing to give up for. i live my days like i don't owe th world anything. i lose as much as i gain. and i keep things that made me happy closer. that is me. and falling in love, wasn't really part of th plan. so pretty much. i have nothing to give except for my loyalty, and; though it sounds cheesy- love. because when i love, i love crazy. but with these awesome girls that was before me in his life, how to i compete?
with all said, look where i am right now.
i overcame it. how? confidence and sincerity. give, without expecting anything back. i tried my best to stop comparing. though sometimes, curiosity killed th cat. i always want to know more about his past, knowing it would hurt me sometimes, i still wna know.
who cares bout th past. we're living today, still together. and everyday, he showered me with all these love than is overwhelming, my heart cant even take in. though sometimes, i see a hint of his painful past as he smiles at me, i'll do what it takes, to take away those painful memories, erase them all, treasure the best ones with him, for him. and love him with all of my soul.
give him happiness, without expecting anything back.
